Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
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