i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
time to smoke my breakfast
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
