Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
