Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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