seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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