dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
