please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
