the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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