White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
