If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
