I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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