Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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