I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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