literally had 100 drinks last night.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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