just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
