Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Ladies don't puke and tell
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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