For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Even my vagina gasped.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
