A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
