well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I need to stop coming to work sober
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
