btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
