he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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