Cold hands, warm shart.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
