you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
