I haven't been this sober since birth.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
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Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
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Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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