Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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