last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
they need to just BURY HIM!
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
