He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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