I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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