I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
