just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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