there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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