That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
