you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
