Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
