I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
