im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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