Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
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