I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
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I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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