my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
