you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
