We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
he told me I talked like a deaf person
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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