I hate your face
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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