Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
