Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
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He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
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Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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