Are we in a gay sports bar?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
