I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
