i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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