i think my tv is drunk
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
