she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
