i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
