My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
True strength comes from lack of pants
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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