My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
