I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
