god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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