A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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