i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
