the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
