Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
