Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
