Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
