your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
