So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
