Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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